I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
