He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
