I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Brb crying the tears of my youth
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
