Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
