what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
