whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
