This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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