I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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