Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
