dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
