The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
