I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
