Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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