Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
