are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
