I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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