my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
