Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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