I feel great
I just peed on a car
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
