I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
