I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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