remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
