So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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