He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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