why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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