Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
