i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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