Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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