Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
