you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
