I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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