I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
foreskin is a definite game changer
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
