shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
