I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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