Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
