I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
