it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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