ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
