I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
