Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
