I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
