So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
