Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I FOUND THE LEGS
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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