I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
