I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
