I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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