so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
