I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
