i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
