i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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