i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
