WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
