I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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